There are many factors that affect sex drive. For example, an undiagnosed medical condition, side effects of a medication, hormonal imbalance, stress, depression, low self-esteem, and so on. But none of those answers the main question women have. Why does my husband prefer his hand over me? Why does he prefer masturbation over sex?
After all, one of the most genuine pleasures in a healthy relationship is sexual intercourse. Sex is fun, it makes you feel good, and it releases happy hormones. In a happy and loving relationship, sex brings people together and improves their intimacy level.
But at the same time, we have to accept that people masturbate. And there is no shame in that. The problem arises when women notice their husband masturbates more than they have sex. Why is that? We will try and answer some of the questions you might have.
Marriage And Masturbation
Before we go deep into the issue, we have to accept a fact. Married people do masturbate. And there are both advantages and disadvantages of this fact.
Some couples become more active in the bedroom after getting married. Some couples reduce their sexual intimacy. Sometimes, habits like masturbation come to an end.
Other times, masturbation increases during the marriage. For example, when one partner has a lower sexual appetite than the other, the former may decide to masturbate to satisfy his/her sexual desires and sexual needs.
Some studies show that married men masturbate more within the first three months of marriage. Masturbation becomes a problem when your husband prefers it instead of sexual intercourse with you. And in time, he begins ignoring you sexually.
Why Does He Like Handy Work?
Most people engage in self-love every now and then. But with men, it is a bit more interesting. After all, men masturbate thinking of sex when they do not have a sexual partner.
Here are some reasons why your male partner might love his own handy work:
- He thinks he loves sex more than you do, after all, the notion out there is that men want sex all the time and women rarely comply
- He thinks he is doing you a favor by masturbating instead of initiating sex all the time
- During pregnancy and post-childbirth period, men know their wife or girlfriend has less time for them, so they have to find a way to satisfy their needs
- He is afraid to tell you what he wants to do sexually
- His hand is a familiar option, and sometimes, it is just a habit
- He has his hand close to him at any given point, in the shower, in the bathroom, late at night
- Only minimal effort is required, it is easy and quick to masturbate
- Porn plays a role, as pornography presents numerous scenarios that he does not experience in real life
- Masturbation is a form of stress relief
- Men can control their experience with masturbation
So, you have to understand this. When it comes to sex, there are things men and women like and ways they like it. And usually, the man in a woman’s life needs some coaching along the way to get it. But he feels the same way.
While it might seem that sex for men is straightforward, it is not. There are nuances and there are ways he gets pleasure from controlling his own experience. With masturbation, nobody will criticize him for coming too fast.
The downside is that he may not understand how you feel when he masturbates. Does it mean he is a sex addict? Does it mean your sex life is a lost cause? Read on we tackle those issues as well.
Excessive Masturbation And Marital Issues
While masturbation is fun and easy, it can easily lead to marital issues. When your husband prefers to masturbate than making love to you, here are the problems that happen.
- Women start to blame themselves and they start feeling disappointed, lonely, and feel resentment for their husband
- Porn becomes a substitute for intimacy
- Without sexual intercourse, you are deprived of some intimacy and lovemaking
- Some women consider masturbation a form of cheating
- Some women believe that their husband has broken their marital trust with masturbation, especially if he hides the behavior
How To Talk About The Issue?
When this problem arises, the best thing you can do is talk about it. But there are ways how to address the problem.
Find The Right Place And Time
Topics like masturbation and intimacy need space and time. You cannot just spill it out. For example, right before dinner, when the kids are running around is definitely not a good choice. When you want to talk about the topic, make sure you have enough time. And make sure you will not get interrupted. You also want to be in a private spot comfortable for both parties.
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Remember Why You Have This Discussion
You have to be clear about your mind and your goal with this discussion before you start the conversation. What is your point? Is it that he makes you feel unloved or unwanted? Or is that you want more sex in the relationship?
If you lose sight of the reason you are having the conversation, things could easily escalate and turn into a confrontational argument. In the end, both of you will feel hurt and guilty. And even more disconnected than before.
Be Gentle And Understanding
When you approach this topic, you have to be respectful, kind, gentle, and understanding. It is a sensitive topic. Just the idea of talking about it may make your husband uncomfortable. And if you are not kind, he will feel even more uncomfortable. He might think he has been put on trial.
Set the tone with your approach and be as careful as possible.
Make Him Feel Wanted
Every person in the world wants to feel wanted. And maybe your husband masturbates because he doesn’t feel wanted lately. Make sure to make him feel wanted through your words. Show him your sexual desire. Men are very sensitive to that.
And if you show him and help him understand that your issue with his hand work is because you want him and you want him to want you, he will probably change his actions.
Never Lose Sight Of The Topic
Remember, this is a topic that it is easy for you and your husband to misunderstand each other. Do not put your partner in this or that situation. If you present him with a choice like having sex with his hand or having sex with you, he might turn his back to you.
The reality is that men masturbate regularly. And the more you understand it, the better it will be for your marriage.
What Can You Do?
So, besides talking about the issue, what else can you do? For starters, DO NOT PANIC. If you have found that your husband masturbates more often than you thought, calm yourself. Masturbation is fairly common even in marriage. And if you panic, you can cause even more problems.
Find Out Why He Is Doing It
With any problem in life, you have to get to the bottom of it. Get to the root of the problem. Find out why does my husband prefers his hand over me. There are many reasons. For example, he might not find you attractive anymore. He might think he does you a favor. We talked about the reasons why men masturbate in marriage. Check them out, and try to find out which is the one. There isn’t always a deep and profound reason for men to masturbate.
Check His Porn Use
Try to get your man to be honest. Yes, men watch porn. And if he had an internet porn addiction before, he might continue doing it in marriage.
Watching internet porn is not necessarily a problem. It can even improve your marriage and spice up your sex life. But both of you have to be honest about the issue.
Do An Emotional Check-up On Yourself
At this point, you might feel the world is crumbling down on you. It is important you feel strong emotionally to approach the problem.
Remember, it is OK not to be OK. You might feel the pressure to be a strong and unaffected woman who can handle everything life throws at her. But sometimes, it is understandable to get angry.
Boost Up Your Sex Life
If your husband prefers masturbation over you, it might be because you are not as willing to have sex. And if that is the reason, it might be time to crank up your sex life. Find ways to spice up your physical intimacy.
Men will get bored if you have sex in the same missionary position over and over again. Try flirting with your husband. Tease him, make him want you.
And if he doesn’t respond to your erotic teasing, the problem might be a deeper issue. Yet, if you see him fantasize about you more and warm up about your revitalized sex life, things might improve.
Rekindle The Romance Of Your Early Marriage
Let’s be honest, marriage is not exactly the perfect environment for sex. With kids, responsibilities, and other stressful issues, sex is lower on the priority list.
But in the early marriage period, or as we call it the honeymoon period, sex is amazing. It might be time to rekindle that romance again. All it takes is a few small things that will bring back some magic.
Do Activities Together
The most important part is to work through the problem with your husband. And maybe the simple solution is to spend more time together. Do not pressure your husband to stop masturbating.
Some of the activities you can do as a married couple include cooking together, massaging each other, going to a dance class, going camping, starting a new hobby, and so on.
Joint activities will heal some of the rifts between the two of you. And with time, you can heal the wounds and bring back the magic in your sex life. Let the romantic chemistry come back naturally.